I was up last night wondering where I'd be in a few years. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. No idea what I want to do with my life. I know I'm still young but the years seem as if theyre passing by in the blink of an eye. People tell me not to worry, to take my time and enjoy my youth but at the same time theyre telling me I have to stop star gazing and dreaming and that I should know where I'm heading in life.

In the long years to come, I wonder if I'll still have these feelings that are almost always pulling me down, if I'm still going to be as indecisive as I am now. I have a feeling that I might screw up a lot worse than I am now. That I'll still be clinging to my inner child and be as irrational as I am now. And throw away things that might save me all because I want so desperately to achive my impossible dreams. Because I'm trying so hard to find contentment. Dying to remember what its like to be genuinely happy. I'm almost always willing to kill myself to get what I want and find contentment from it but still thinking twice before turning my thoughts into actions for fear of it all ending up worse than it already is. Will all this still be racing through my mind in a few years? Will the years to come be filled with mostly huge regrets because of things I did or didnt do? Will I still have this constant heartache? Knowing the person I am, I have a feeling the answer is yes to all of the above. And this scares me

&& its hard to find my hearts contentment when I dont even know what I want.

Ive been forgetting to eat now days. The other day, i forgot to eat lunch. Today i forgot to eat at all. Was out since i woke up which was at 3pm. Ah, the joys of school holidays.

Was on the phone to leasbiola which was when i went,
"omg. dude, you know what? i just realized i havent eaten a thing since i woke up."
So i scarfed down 2 sandwiches in like 6 minutes and now i feel like throwing up.

Mygawd, the malls were filled with rempits and punks today. Punks, i happen to like but they weren't very good looking which was sad. Everywhere i went they were all gawking at me. I started to wonder if i grew a third eye or something. Have they never seen girls before? Even the guards at the mall were staring and i felt like an idiot circling the parking lot while they were watching me only to find my driver outside.

And i got followed around by this bunch of boys for over an hour. I even went into the lingerie department in hopes that they would leave me alone but instead they hung around by the entrance and continued following me after that. That scared me. I mean, ive been followed around many times before (who hasn't?) but never like this. Went to look for my driver in the parking lot and when i was getting into the car, they all started waving and saying bye. Hahahaha. So i waved back. Yeah, they werent that scary after all. I think.

While hunting for Twilight in MPH, i accidentally bumped into a guy wearing a bright pink shirt and way too much eyeliner. It doesnt bother me that guys use eyeliner but someone should tell him theres a limit. He had coloured his eyelids almost all the way to his eyebrows. He looked like a five year old grabbed a sharpie marker and scribbled around his eyes.

Was on the phone to Lesbiola the whole time.

me: did ------- tell ------ that she's not a virgin ?
lesbiola: probably not.
me: yeah, he's so goody 2 shoes. he'd probably run away screaming.
lesbiola: he's done that before. but he always ran back screaming even louder.
me: *dies laughing*

[online with my Sasha and Roisin last night]

Sasha says:
ro, u goin club on saturday?
Roisin says:
yes. why? are you coming?
Sasha says:
i want to but i dont think i can
Sasha says:
coz if i want to, i hafta cancel our meetin tomrow.
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
wht meeting ? eh! hw come i wasnt invited ?
Sasha says:
coz we live in pd and you live in sarawak, chelle
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
so ? whts your point?
you all still hang at the yatch club on weekends ?
how come you nvr invite me anymore ?
Roisin says:
Sorry chelle,blame sasha.
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
why dnt you ppl invite me to hang out with you these days ?
Sasha says:
cos you live in sarawak !
Roisin says:
ok..chelle,would you like to come to the club with us tomorrow?
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
sry, cant. if you havent noticed im kinda far away
Sasha says:
...........
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
eh, eh, eh ! im touching my toes. theyre niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
i have like the coolest toes ever ! be jealous.
Sasha says:
all hail michelle's toes
Roisin says:
hahahah..i envy you SO much dude!
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
you should. ppl would kill to have toes like mine.
Sasha says:
.........
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
i command you all to bow down to my toes
Roisin says:
hahahahahahahaha
Sasha says:
make me, chelle. oh yes, i just went there
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
if you dont, i shall use my toes of glory to kick you in the nose
Sasha says:
toes of glory??
MiCHELLE.kyrical tragedy says:
thts right, toes of glory. my glorious toes.
Roisin says:
MANGO NIPPLES!
MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
sorry guys, i think the cocaine is starting to take effect
Sasha says:
.................

i havent gone to school since tuesday. ugh. i have school tomorrow. and might i say that school on a saturday is just wrong. and i cant skip either cos we're having exams. i really dont like the malaysian education system. and i have maths tuition in an hour. oh joy.

went to see the ENT specialist yesterday. he was really nice. he used this tiny camera thingy to see whats going on in my nose. i now have my pictures of my nasal cavity and the back of my throat. not a pretty sight. i dont have polyps, thank god. some part of my nose is just swollen which is causing my mucus membrane to become over active or something like that. so im on a new batch of antibiotics and he gave me nasal spray. hahahah. i dont know why but i found that so funny. i have to spray it in my nose 3 times a day for swelling to go down. i look forward to those 3 times a day. yes, i happen to like spraying things up my nose. im spastic like that. (:

omg, why the hell am I blogging about this?

moving on, oh wait, i dont have much to blog about. ive been sitting at home gulping meds for the past 3 days. i swear, ive been on enough meds this past month to kill 3 livers. finally bought the dvds ive been dying to watch.


I was walking in the spring the other day and there were these chinese salesmen selling those stuffed animal key chains and we all know how persistent they are. one of them came up to me

salesman #1: pretty girl, you is from arab or pakistan?
me: no. im malaysian.
salesman #1: oh, you want buy?
me: no, thank you.
salesman #1: can la. for sure pretty girl like you like cute cute things mah.
me: sorry, i only have pakistan money on me. *smiles and walks away*

when i get to the other side of the mall, a different salesman approaches me

salesman #2: amoi, mau beli ah?
me: *starts to get annoyed, smiles and shakes head*
salesman #2: alaa. boleh la. lima ringgit saja mah.
me: sorry saya tak leti cakap bm.

after walking a few steps away, i realized what i just said. i look behind to see the salesman looking at me with a confused look on his face. i quickly walked away and started cursing myself for being so damn stupid.

Random;

School toilet.
Me: "Pheebs, you couldve told me my hair looked like i just survived a tornado."
Phoebe: "you look like youve just been raped."
Me: "oh, yeah. so much better." *fixes hair* "there. now i only look like i almost got raped."

Online with Sasha.
Me: hello my little malaysian oyster.
Sasha: watchu call me, lady?
Me: i banyak sedih today la.
Sasha: you always are, you stupid malaysian emo.

In the canteen at school.
Phoebe: "save the cows, eat fish instead."
Mable: "no. save the fish, eat............... PETAI !
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAH!" *stops to think.* "eh, whats petai?"
Mable: "you dumbdumb. dont even know what petai is ah. aiyoh."

during english. rays bag was wedged in between the two front legs of our tables.
Ray: "can you help get my bag over there?"
Me: "nope." *giggles*
Ray: *reaches under the table and tries to pull her bag out* "its stuck."
Me: "obviously. okaaaaay, i'll help ya." *reaches under table and tries desperately to pull her bag out* "man, this is like pulling a baby out of a vajayjay. "
Ray: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!
Me: "no, seriously. now i know how a doctor feels delivering a baby."
*still trying to pull her bag out*
Ray: "no, youre making it worse. youre supposed to pull it in the other direction."
Me: *pulls it in the other direction and her bag slips out just like that.* "oh."
Ray: *still laughing*
Me: "i swear, we are such bimbos sometimes.

in the car, passing by a parking lot of new cars for sale.
Jaspreet: "the fence is so low. people can just jump over and steal all the new cars."
Me: "yes, theyre gonna carry the cars, strap it to their backs and climb over the fence."
Jaspreet: "oh yaaaaa ah."
Me: "stupid la you."
Jaspreet: "but they can just drive through and bang the gates open with the cars what."
Me: "but then people will notice theyre stealing the cars. then, they’ll get caught."
Jaspreet: "like la the cops will get there in time. they can speed off just like that."
Me: "yeah but they would've wrecked the car. then no point in stealing it."
Jaspreet: true. but they can send it to the mechanic what."
Me: "but that would cost money- OH WILL YOU SHUTTUP !!"

Pam: "michelle, you can join our family game. i’ll be the mom, phoebes the dad, rachels the daughter and you be rachels husband."
Phoebe: "by the way, rachel’s pregnant."
Me: "ohmagawd, what did i do ?!"
20 minutes later
Me: "hey can i be the granddaughter instead? i don’t really fancy having a penis."
Pam, Phoebe: *dies laughing*

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. i was real hyper in the morning despite the fact that i only had 3 hours of sleep the night before. ray and i were talking about halloween and i randomly came up with a song. it goes ‘candy, candy, pumpkin!' and yes those are the only lyrics. i sang it over and over.

for some odd reason, everyone was participating in class during english today. usually, the class is halfdead during english. i could see this made my english teacher very happy. she kept doing every hand motion possible to show off a ring on her fourth finger which is weird and obviously new cos everyone knows shes single.

x

Me: "is that a wedding ring i see on her finger?"

Ray: omg. nah, cant be. she probably just heard about how everyone knows shes an old fat grumpy virgin and is trying to prove us wrong.

x

but of course nothing could stop her from nagging her ass off as usual. she spends at least 5 minutes of every lesson nagging us about our behaviour and what not. i think the woman has like, permanent pms or something.

x
saw mr.lungcancerr yesterday. still havent mustered up the courage to actually start a convo with him. ugh, i swear, ive never been this intimidated by a boy. i even managed to talk to NY (a stupid nickname carol and i came up with), my form 2 crush and i cant exactly go into detail about him but he is the hardest person for me to srike up a convo with cos people would be gossiping about it within seconds. not cos he’s antisocial or anything, its cos of his status. and even though he was standing a mere 2 feet away from me and his name was on the tip of my tongue and i choked a few times when I attempted to call him, my voice eventually came through and i talked to him. but i just cant seem to do the same with mr.lungcancerr and its really starting to get to me. grrr.X

just when i thought i was over you,

you make me fall for you all over again.