I was up last night wondering where I'd be in a few years. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. No idea what I want to do with my life. I know I'm still young but the years seem as if theyre passing by in the blink of an eye. People tell me not to worry, to take my time and enjoy my youth but at the same time theyre telling me I have to stop star gazing and dreaming and that I should know where I'm heading in life.

In the long years to come, I wonder if I'll still have these feelings that are almost always pulling me down, if I'm still going to be as indecisive as I am now. I have a feeling that I might screw up a lot worse than I am now. That I'll still be clinging to my inner child and be as irrational as I am now. And throw away things that might save me all because I want so desperately to achive my impossible dreams. Because I'm trying so hard to find contentment. Dying to remember what its like to be genuinely happy. I'm almost always willing to kill myself to get what I want and find contentment from it but still thinking twice before turning my thoughts into actions for fear of it all ending up worse than it already is. Will all this still be racing through my mind in a few years? Will the years to come be filled with mostly huge regrets because of things I did or didnt do? Will I still have this constant heartache? Knowing the person I am, I have a feeling the answer is yes to all of the above. And this scares me

&& its hard to find my hearts contentment when I dont even know what I want.