GAHH !

I'm so frustrated.

Had a total of one and a half hours sleep last night. Woke up for school literally feeling like a zombie. Arrived at school in complete bitch mode. Nothing but violent thoughts about the students around me and profanities were running through my mind on the way to class. Was cursing and swearing under my breath at the slightest of things.

During math, felt like going up to Screamo (private nickname we gave our math/add math teacher) who was, as usual, screaming at the class, and slapping her. Oh, how good it would feel if only I could do that. I told myself not to hate any of my teachers this year cos when I usually hate a teacher, I end up disliking the subject he/she teaches but Screamo is an exception. *through gritted teeth* I just cant stand her.

My heartbreaker situation is getting better. Sort of. I really am changing from the sad, depressed girl I used to be. I am going to stop over-analysing every single detail of every single step I take and just act on impulse like I used to. I'm starting to already. No drastic changes but in some ways, I am slowly morphing into who I used to be and who I want to be. Gradually, I will start to heal.

Had a deep conversation with Theresa about all of this. I told her everything about how I have trouble letting go, how I'm still walking around with a broken heart, how I'm trying to heal in time, how badly I just wanted to live again. And she said something so obvious that I hadnt really realized or considered. She said:

"so live then. if thats what you want, then do it. live."

I must sound like a total bimbo right now. Let me try to explain. Theres something about the way she said it. I think I had an epiphany. I realized its actually easier than I've been making it out to be. I've been blaming people for my misery, believing that everyone is ever ready to tear me down and watch me fall. This whole time I thought I was fighting everyone else but I've really been battling myself and not even knowing it. This isnt going to be such a tough battle anymore. It was just one of those moments where you feel like something knocked you in the head and you suddenly see things in a clearer manner.

I'll shut up now before I start with my broken record syndrome and bore you to death. I havent eaten anything since this morning and I'm starving so I'm going to look for food. Will post the convos at school that cheered me up and had me giggling tomorrow or something.

p/s:

• Theresa darling, thank you for the very long conversation we had. I didnt realize how much I needed that. You were very insightful.
• Sasha, I know how much it hurts to have your heart broken. I feel your pain, sweetie. I'm always on the other line of your phone if you want to talk when you feel like the male species sole mission in life is to hurt you. I feel that way too sometimes.

*sigh* looks like its heartbreak season.