Hello.

Im aware I havent blogged in ages but I only go online on weekends now and Ive been kindve lazy anyway. Been busy with school work.
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Ive been going crazy over the tidiness of my school work. Ive been ripping out pages and re-writing everything no matter how many pages long it is over and over again cos I felt it wasnt neat enough the first time and Ive been throwing out brand new unused exercise books and buying new ones just cos I didnt like the way I wrote my name on the covers. Ive thrown out 7 books at least. I dont know, I lost count at 7. I think Ive killed about 90 trees. :S

Other than that, schools been okay. Remember when I said Add Maths wasnt so bad ? I was very very wrong. I would say I hate it but I dont want to hate any of my subjects. Im just trying to be really positive about my studies this year. I regret not studying for my PMR and I guess Im trying to make up for it.
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For once in my life, I know what Im going to do after graduating from high school. I know this may come as a shock to most people who know me but Im going to be a doctor. Notice that I said 'Im going to' instead of 'I want to' ? Yeah, well, thats how badly I want it. And Im not just going through a phase this time.

Since I was a kid, my ambition changes from time to time depending on what phase I was going through. I went through phases at least more than half of my life from childhood right up to now. Just last year, I made daddy buy me an Ibanez guitar cos I was so keen on learning and daddy sent his assistant to find out where I could take classes and everything. I never did go for the classes in the end and my guitar has been sitting in my room untouched and covered in dust until today. And things like this has been happening most of my life. Im surprised my parents are so tolerant and havent pulled their hair out by the roots yet. I hope they dont do that. I know its just a figure of speech but I wouldnt like having a bald mom.

Aaaanyways, back to the point. Before this, I swore I would never be a lawyer, teacher or doctor and everyone who knows me, knows this. The very thought of becoming one of those made me cringe. I dont know what made me change my mind. I know its hard and theres a high chance I wont be able to cope with medical school but Im going to really study this time and do everything in my power to get a degree in medicine.
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Was talking to Roisin just now;
Me: oooh, I know what I want to be when Im done with school.
Ro: what?
Me: dont laugh?
Ro: ok.
Me: DOCTOR!
Ro: WHAAAT? why?
Me: I dont know how to explain it, Ro. I just really want to. And this time, its not just cos Im going through a phase.
Ro: Michelle, you know in real life, its NOTHING like Greys Anatomy, right?
Me: HAHAHAH. I know and thats not the reason. Okay, so it was the reason I wanted to be a surgeon but that was waaay last year.
Ro: hahahhahahahahaha.
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Ray wants to do medicine too and Phoebe (phoby, thats what I call her) wants to be a vet. We got bored while teacher was discussing Hari Canteen with the class and I started talking about how doctors are known for having bad handwriting and I tried writing like a doctor so I wrote down 'Prozac - 15mg'. (:
Then we started playing 'hospital'. I played the doctor and Ray was my patient. Phoby was actually paying attention to the teacher, I dont know why.
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Me: Okay, what seems to be the problem?
Ray: Well, theres this thing with my ear-
Me: Ray, dont give me the complicated stuff. Im not a real doctor yet. Just tell me the symptoms of a fever and stuff. You know, cough/cold/headache/nausea/soar throat. I mean c'mon, Im barely 16.
Ray: Well, thats not fun. Umm.. I have a headache and a cough.
Me: *writes down symptoms* Is it phlegmy?
Ray: No, its dry.
Me: Okay. does it make your throat itch?
Ray: Yeah, I guess. And I feel like vomiting a lot.
Me: *writes down symptoms* Is the nausea frequent?
Ray: well no, only when I feel like it.
Me: Hahah. Ray ! Only when you feel like it? You cant decide when you wanna get queasy. Be serious.
Ray: Hahah. Umm... you wanna see my scar?
Me: What scar?
Ray: Over here, on my shoulder. *pretends to show fake scar*
Me: What happened?
Ray: Well, I was in the waiting room just now and I got bored. So I saw a scalpel and I just sort of stabbed myself.
Me: *writes down - 'possibly suicidal. refer to psychologist'*
Phoby: *turns to us* Hey, teacher said to bring 5 bucks on monday. It has to be monday! Dont forget.
Me: Phoby, not now. Im with a patient.
Phoby: Omg, youre not done with playing hospital? How long are you gonna take with one patient?
Ray: Is she the bitchy nurse?
Me: *dies laughing*

I dont want it to be a new year. New year makes me sad. While everyone else was celebrating, welcoming the new year, I was tearing up.

Ive accepted that its 2009 but I feel like Im still living in '08. There were so many things I wanted that didnt happen last year and I feel like '08 isnt complete yet. Im still clinging on to every piece of last year that I can hold on to. I feel like Im leaving too much behind. Last year is nothing but memories now. I swear theres nothing like the end to make you appreciate the beginning.

You know that saying 'photographs fade but memories last forever' ? Well, I dont care what they say. Memories do fade. People forget. Everyone moves on. I wish I was one of those people. I wish I could just put it behind me and get on with my life. I dont know why, but I can never really let go. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much Ive convinced myself that I have, I can never let go.

I didnt make any resolutions this year. Apart from the whole losing weight thing of course but Ive been wanting to do that since forever. My new years resolution this year should be to start letting go. Thing is, I dont think I can. Its like asking a hardcore addict to give up heroin.

I cling on to the past with my entire life, with every inch my heart, lungs and soul. Im not ready to let go of my yesterdays. Im just not ready to let go.

Im not supposed to be this way. Im not supposed to be turning 16 yet. Im supposed to be the care free naive 13 year old girl in her first year of high school who was falling in love with the world and thought the world was in love with her. Im not supposed to be crying myself to sleep.

Im afraid of all my tomorrows. Im not looking forward to learning from my mistakes but fearing of making bigger ones and repeating them. Im afraid of growing up. I know everything changes, all the cities and faces but can we bring yesterday back around ?

What day is it?
And in my mind,
this clock never seemed so alive.
I cant keep up.
And I cant back down.
Ive been losing so much time.

Hello.

Have finally gotten around to updating. This is going to be a long and messy post.

Im back in Sarawak (oh, joy ! NOT). I did horribly for my PMR but at least my results were good enough to get me into science stream. Will update on that later.

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Carol, Sherene, Roisin, Bell, Sasha, Maharaj, Low, Hasvin and Foo came down from PD so met up with them at MidV. Got to meet Sasha's Janus and we bumped into Charmaine and her Uncle Martin there. Shayne came too later. Ran up to him and practically choked him in an attempt to hug him the minute I saw him. That boy makes me laugh like crazy. I absolutely adore him.

Was approached by a modelling agency, Mooka Worldwide while walking around. They do commercials and Fashion Editorial and asked if I was interested in modelling. First thing I did was to ask for a card to make sure they werent some con artists. They gave me their card and asked for my details and they kept insisting that I let my parents know. Roisin told me her friend has worked with them before, so theyre legit. Shayne, being the idiot he is, stood with me and listened in on the convo (not that I minded), kept pointing out random ppl and going "shes cute, why dont you ask her to be a model? oh, what about her? shes tall." Hahah. They told me where their studio is and gave me directions and that they would contact me and Shayne goes "omg, can I come too and watch ?" HAHAHA.

I swear, I go to MidV so often when Im in KL, I pretty much know where everything is. Foo jokingly offered to pay me for being their 'tour guide'. Hahah. Hasvin, Maharaj, Foo and Low didnt know what to do while the girls shopped so I went to Brewball with them. They played. I just sat down, watched and talked and talked and talked. The last time I tried to play pool, the ball went flying off the table and almost hit a waitress in the head so I decided to not take the risk of causing someone brain damage.

Everyone had split up so Maharaj, Hasvin, Foo, Low and I bumped into Charmaine again who was helping Shayne pick out an xmas present for his mommy;

Me: Charmaine's mom hates me.
Hasvin, Foo, Maharaj, Low: *burst out laughing*
Me: WHAT ?! Im serious !
Hasvin, Maharaj, Foo, Low: *laughing*
Me: I dont understand la. When Im telling ppl a joke, nobody thinks Im funny. But when Im being myself and completely serious, everyone laughs and thinks Im hilarious.
Hasvin: Damn random la. Suddenly only, 'Charmaine's mom hates me.' Imagine me saying suddenly, 'Foo's mom hates me.'
Hasvin, Foo, Maharaj, Low: *burst out laughing again*
Me: *just stares at them*

I swear, I dont understand boys la.

Went to Dragonfly cos Roisin wanted to pierce her nose again when the boys bumped into Haresh and Siva at the steps of Brewball and decided to abandon everyone and go off with them. Thought of saying hi to Haresh and Siva but couldnt be bothered. I dont think they like me very much anyway.


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24/ 12/ 08
Christmas eve night was surprisingly fun this year. Since like 3 years ago, Ive stopped getting excited about christmas and just couldnt be bothered with it. Buying presents seemed like such a chore and the christmas carols constantly playing EVERYWHERE drive me insane ! My feelings towards christmas werent any different this year. Only ended up having fun during christmas eve dinner with the family.

Uncle Bull and aunty Bee Yuen whom I havent seen in over 3 years came down from Australia with the kids. Nicole and Lynette have grown so much. Lynette has the cutest giggle and she has a mole on the side of her chin just like me. Aunty Bee says we can pass for sisters. Hahah. Lynette looks a lot like my mom in pictures when she was little.

Me, Lynnette, Nicole.
Ok, not exactly our best picture.

After all the "omg, youve grown so much" and "such pretty girls youve all grown into", everyone stuffed their faces with enough food to feed a batallion. Uncle Bo dressed up as Santa after dinner. He handed us all our presents from under the tree and insisted every one kissed him everytime we got a present. He even made Jeremy sit on his lap. HAHAHAH. He was pretty drunk so he was swearing everytime he couldnt read the writing on the christmas tags and whatnot. It was hilarious but I swear, he's the worst Santa ever. Hahah.





Halfway through tearing open presents.







25/ 12/ 08
Went to uncle Kenny's and aunty Karina's for another christmas dinner the night after. Jeremy, Melissa, Manda, Joel and I sat our own table and talked about anorexia and bulimia over dinner with all the gory details. Yes, my family is quite insane. Got to meet little Timothy. he's 5 and absolutely adorable.

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26/ 12/ 08
Went to Gentings the day after at 6bloodyA.M. It sucked. The cues for every ride were endless and it rained.We were soaking wet right down to our jeans and sneakers. Manda and I being the idiots we are, didnt pack any other pants except for shorts so we had no choice but to wear them out that night for dinner with the family. Manda and I refused to roll the screens up in the car even though we were freezing cos we were wearing nothing but paper thin shirts and micro-mini-britney shorts (as Ash calls them).

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31/ 12/ 08
New Years was ok, I guess. Nothing speacial. Was forced to spend it with the family so it was kindve lame. I was sad. Will blog about that in the next post.

01/ 01/ 09
We went to Camerons at 6bloodyA.M. again. Wasnt really looking forward to it cos theres nothing to do there and we were renting a bungalow so it was gonna be hard for Manda and I to get our fixes.

I did not like Sunlight (the bungalow we were staying in). It was built during the British war so you can imagine how old it is. I swear, the main entrance has these spiralling stairs made out of stone like during the mideavel times. No joke. The bathrooms were repulsive. No one else found the back kitchen creepy but it really scared me. I refused to go in there alone throughout the whole trip. The rest of the bungalow was okay. It was such a huge bungalow, but there were only 3 bedrooms but they were biiiig. You can fit like 10 ppl in one room. Most of the adults shared one room so Jeremy, Melissa, Manda, Sam and I shared the other. Grandma took the downstairs room because as usual, she's always complaining about her aches and pains and how hard it is for her to walk up stairs and yada yada yada. Old people ah, I tell you.

Manda and I were in desperate need of a fix so we went for a walk exploring the place and saw this barricade and climbed over it of course. We were well aware that we were tresspassing but its not like anyone else was there. We found this abandoned bungalow and it looked just as haunted as ours. Looked like it was built during the brit war too. The doors werent locked but we were too scared to go in. Went back to Sunlight cos we got the creeps hanging around there.

After coming back from dinner that night, Manda and I were lazing around in our room when my mom and Siti come running out of theirs screaming. Mom said that their latched balcony door had just swung open. So Manda accompanies them to their room while I stayed in mine and the next thing I know, all 3 of them come running into my room screaming. They said that the balcony door just swung open and shut and the locks clasped into place perfectly as if someone had just opened and shut them very gently and slowly so it couldnt have been the wind. I kept insisting it was the wind so everyone came upstairs and aunty Othy re-latched the balcony door and tried opening it but it wouldnt budge. So obviosly, it wasnt the wind. I didnt see what happened but I still think it mightve just been the wind.

02/ 01/ 09
All of us went to this shop called Sinnathamby. Im serious. Thats what its called. Manda and I laughed so hard at the name, we teared up. I kept reciting 'Sinnathamby' over and over cos it amused me but then everyone started to get annoyed. So I just kept asking questions about the shop just so I could say 'Sinnathamby'. :D

Manda and I went back to the abandoned bungalow in the evening. We brought flashlights with us this time even though it was still bright outside and explored the inside of the bungalow. There wasnt any furniture and the bathrooms were actually renovated but it seemed to have been abandoned halfway. It took us 3 tries to get upstairs as we kept running back down everytime we were halfway up the stairs cos we kept hearing noises. We finnally mustered up the courage to go all the way up. There were no rooms upstairs but there were these doors that blended in with the walls. We opened all of them and they all lead to the inside of the ceiling. There was one door that couldnt be opened which we evenually managed to open and it lead to the inside of the ceiling too and there were dead rats and rat skeletons everywhere. Disgusting. Made the whole family come see the bungalow later on. Aunty Othy said the house was built during war so they needed those doors cos they used the ceiling as secret hideaways. We were all wondering if the bungalow was Moonlight where this American millionaire, Jim Thompson had disappeared.

Aunty Othy bought the book about Jim Thompson, an American millionaire who owned a Thai silk company. He was staying in Camerons,in the bungalow Moonlight and went on a stroll and never came back. After many searches for him arranged by the army and police department, neither him nor his remains have been found. His disappearence in 1967 is still an unsolved mystery. True story. Google it if you dont belive me. Aaaaanyways, back to my story. There was a picture of Moonlight bungalow in the book and it was the exact bungalow Manda and I discovered. How cool is that ?! Sorry. Couldnt help it.

While walking and huffing and puffing;
Manda: Remember we used to read The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley when we were kids? We should have our own book like that.
Me: Yeah, Malaysian version. The Adventures of Michelle and Amanda.
Manda: Totally.
Me: It'll suck though. Wont really sell.
Manda: Why ?
Me: Cos its Malaysian. We should get published in America or something. Thats where they make it big.
Manda: You know, I wasnt serious about having our own adventure book, right?
Me: ................ Shuttup la. A girl can dream.
Manda: *stares at me*

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Came back here on the 5th so I missed the first day of school. 4S1 til 4S3 are the pure science classes here which was where I wanted to be but I was placed in 4S4 which is science and technology. Its exactly like pure science except that we take accounts instead of physics. Was not happy about that so I appealed to be transferred to 4S3. I filled in the form and made my parents write the school a letter even though you dont need to. Well, actually, I wrote it, I just made them sign it.

I always write my letters for school for when Im absent and whatnot and all my parents do is sign them. Oh oh, oh ! The class transfers were announced today and.... I got into 4S3 ! Yay me ! And Im reunited with Phoebe and Rachel too cos their in 4S3. Oh, Azlina kept stealing my food today. Sorry. I just felt it was necessary to share that with you all.

Will update again soon (hopefully).
Lovesss. xx