Its 5.09am and I cant friggin sleep.

I guess thats what happens when I wake up at 12.00pm. But thats the earliest Ive woken up all week. Ive been sleeping at like 4.00am every night (or should I say morning ?) and waking up at 2pm the next day. This is nothing new for me, Ive been doing this my whole life but I really hate it cos it always messes up my sleep cycle once school starts again.

Aaaaanyway, I dont know why Im blogging (oh yeah, I cant sleep, thats why). I know I'll feel slightly relieved once I get this all out on my screen, I always do but I just dont know what to say. I feel like theres so much to say but Im at a loss for words. This is frustrating.

What a mistake to pretend its all okay, its not. Youre still a self-absorbed hypocritical fake slut.

On a different topic, cried a lot tonight. And then I cried some more. *sigh* Pathetic.

Its not like I never had a chance, I did but instead of taking it, I played stupid games and I suppose after a while you moved on. I dont blame you at all for that. I should have reached for that chance I had with you two years back. But I'm glad I didnt cos I know if I did, I wouldve never felt how I feel now. I wouldnt have felt what it was like to lose you. Honestly, I feel like Ive been losing you so many times in so many different ways. Except that you were never really mine to lose.

Im not asking you for anything. Love isnt a word I throw around. Its really intense to me and I just cant handle intensity. The thought of a relationship makes me feel sort of claustrophobic, like I have no way out.

Im afraid that my indecision and fear of commitment will lead to someone getting hurt which I cant bare. I think thats why a tiny part of me secretly wants things to stay complicated. I guess its easier if there are no strings attached when things get rough. Well, the strings holding the pieces of me together will probably be tangled up somewhere between us but people have been shredding those frayed strings to threads for a long time now, Im sure I can take one more person doing the same.

I want to run but only far enough to make you miss me. I want you to miss me. I need you to miss me. I dont know if Im in love with you. Im not sure if I know what love feels like. All I know is Ive fallen for you and Ive fallen hard. It doesnt really matter though, you dont even read this.

If tears could make girls pretty,
I must be the prettiest girl alive.