Try looking back on the past. Not to when you were a kid, (things were obviously bound to change since then) but just a few years ago. Done ? Things were pretty fucking different aye ? I was thinking about my freshman year in high school and its almost unbelievable how much has changed over the course of a year or two.
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Everyone I knew was so different back then. Including me. Especially me. We used to have so much to say to back then, all those random meaningless conversations and the million and one inside jokes we all shared. Now we've found other people to spend our time with and barely say two words to each other. I suppose you've got to be willing to loosen old ties if you wanna make room for new ones.
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Looking back at old pictures of me, it amazes me once I realize how different I was. How different I used to look and dress (ok, Im glad I dont dress that way anymore) but mostly how different I used to talk and think. Not to sound conceited, but whenever a boy used to tell me he thought I was pretty, I used to feel somewhat embarrassed and tell them how sweet they were. Now I just accept the damn compliment with a simple "thank you" or just let out a faint laugh and try to end the conversation. I can barely even remember the last time I called someone sweet. Im going to start saying that more often, Yes, I like the words 'sweet'. Its just so..... sweet. Hahah. Didnt know how else to describe it.
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I used to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone. I can still do that but I just dont make the effort anymore. I guess after moving, I felt like everyone I cared about was taken away from me and I just didnt want to get close to anyone because I knew it would only be a matter of time before I leave again. So I just closed myself off and refused to let anyone in. I joke, saying I've lost my mojo when people ask me why Im so quiet but truth is, its just an easier way of saying that I lost myself.
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Everyone used to tell me they thought of me as a girl who loves to laugh and smile all the time and that my random conversations and giggle fits could brighten up anyones day. How did I turn from that to this ? How did I turn from little miss sunshine to little miss broken ? When did I become so damn pessimistic and angry at the world ?
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Of course I did screw up a lot and I never was perfect but neither are all of you. I know what youre thinking, quit exaggerating, drama queen. But Im not talking about what you see cos what everyone sees is only what I choose to show. Im sick of hiding behind a plastic smile and this act I put on like nothing gets to me. Im sick of always having to tie the pieces of myself back together and having to do it all alone. Yes, in a way, a lot of the heartache I've gone through has helped me come this far. What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, right ? But Im sick of pretending that Im stronger than I really I am.
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This isnt who Im supposed to be. Who I am now, misses who I've been. I'm going to be that girl again. The one who would giggle and talk about absolutely nothing for hours on the phone, barely stopping to catch my breath. Maybe not right now, but soon enough when I'm ready.
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p/s: this may sound a little childish and I know youre alot older and that you've moved on but I still miss coming home from school to find a message from you everyday. Now, Im lucky to even hear from you every now and then. I still really miss you. I'm sorry, I cant help it.