Im trying really hard to be happy again. Im trying to be more optimistic, to be the person I used to be. The person I promised myself I would go back to being, the person I lost somewhere along the lines. I thought I was becoming that person again. I thought I was starting to look at the glass as half full. I cant help but feel like Im lying to myself. Like, deep down, I know its not always gonna be okay.

Truth is, I havent been changing. I've just been pretending to in an attempt to make myself feel better. I still find those pessimistic thoughts creeping into my mind. Im still trying not to care about anyone thinking this beforehand indifference will ease the pain when they find a way to hurt me, intentionally or not which Im constantly expecting. Im still constantly expecting the worst from everyone and everything, thinking that it wont hurt so much since I already saw it all coming. Im still hiding my heartache, still pretending every things alright when its not. Im still trying not to feel. Ive just been ignoring these feelings.

I had blocked everything and everyone out with that wall I built which Im finding impossible to tear down now. Letting go of the girl who was always so angry, the girl who was always too sad to give a fuck, the girl I turned into, is a lot harder than I thought.

I realized something today. I used to wake up feeling slightly excited without fail every morning. Now, I wake up everyday, sad, wishing I could go back to sleep, dreading facing the day. I can honestly say, I've completely forgotten what its like to feel genuinely happy. Apart from conversing with the people Im used to, conversations with fresher faces have become somewhat of a challenge. This is a result from me not wanting to get close to people for such a long time, that now, its like I've forgotten how. I've forgotten the lighthearted, free flowing conversations I used to have, even with people I barely knew.

Im not going to let this stupid wall I built dictate who I am, what I say and how I feel. I am going to giggle like a giddy school girl, have ridiculously easy conversations with just about anyone and smile genuine smiles again. I just dont know how but I'll figure it out. As for now, Im going to stop sounding like a broken record and face each fucking day with my head held high.

p/s: if you never broke my heart, I wouldve never realized I lost myself. thank you ?

I'm determined to love each day
more than Im afraid of it.
But, tell me, when do I start to heal ?