I'm going to start putting the pieces back together very slowly.
I'm teaching my heart that its not impossible to heal.
I'm learning that its okay to smile once in a while.
Just give me time, I'll be alright.

x
x
x
x
p/s: this sudden change, this sudden desire to find myself again isnt because of him. yes, he's part of the reason but not entirely. its because of well... everything. everything thats happened over the past few years, everything that didn't happen over the past few years, everything thats going on and everything in between.

Try looking back on the past. Not to when you were a kid, (things were obviously bound to change since then) but just a few years ago. Done ? Things were pretty fucking different aye ? I was thinking about my freshman year in high school and its almost unbelievable how much has changed over the course of a year or two.
x
Everyone I knew was so different back then. Including me. Especially me. We used to have so much to say to back then, all those random meaningless conversations and the million and one inside jokes we all shared. Now we've found other people to spend our time with and barely say two words to each other. I suppose you've got to be willing to loosen old ties if you wanna make room for new ones.
x
Looking back at old pictures of me, it amazes me once I realize how different I was. How different I used to look and dress (ok, Im glad I dont dress that way anymore) but mostly how different I used to talk and think. Not to sound conceited, but whenever a boy used to tell me he thought I was pretty, I used to feel somewhat embarrassed and tell them how sweet they were. Now I just accept the damn compliment with a simple "thank you" or just let out a faint laugh and try to end the conversation. I can barely even remember the last time I called someone sweet. Im going to start saying that more often, Yes, I like the words 'sweet'. Its just so..... sweet. Hahah. Didnt know how else to describe it.
x
I used to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone. I can still do that but I just dont make the effort anymore. I guess after moving, I felt like everyone I cared about was taken away from me and I just didnt want to get close to anyone because I knew it would only be a matter of time before I leave again. So I just closed myself off and refused to let anyone in. I joke, saying I've lost my mojo when people ask me why Im so quiet but truth is, its just an easier way of saying that I lost myself.
x
Everyone used to tell me they thought of me as a girl who loves to laugh and smile all the time and that my random conversations and giggle fits could brighten up anyones day. How did I turn from that to this ? How did I turn from little miss sunshine to little miss broken ? When did I become so damn pessimistic and angry at the world ?
x
Of course I did screw up a lot and I never was perfect but neither are all of you. I know what youre thinking, quit exaggerating, drama queen. But Im not talking about what you see cos what everyone sees is only what I choose to show. Im sick of hiding behind a plastic smile and this act I put on like nothing gets to me. Im sick of always having to tie the pieces of myself back together and having to do it all alone. Yes, in a way, a lot of the heartache I've gone through has helped me come this far. What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, right ? But Im sick of pretending that Im stronger than I really I am.
x
This isnt who Im supposed to be. Who I am now, misses who I've been. I'm going to be that girl again. The one who would giggle and talk about absolutely nothing for hours on the phone, barely stopping to catch my breath. Maybe not right now, but soon enough when I'm ready.
x
p/s: this may sound a little childish and I know youre alot older and that you've moved on but I still miss coming home from school to find a message from you everyday. Now, Im lucky to even hear from you every now and then. I still really miss you. I'm sorry, I cant help it.

Im about to sound like a typical teenage drama queen. You have been warned. But honestly, Im not trying to be over dramatic or an attention seeker, this is all so much deeper than that.

Didnt go to school today. I was too tired from staying up til 5am. I woke up at 10am. I would usually never wake up any earlier than 1pm if I sleep that late but I just couldnt sleep in today.

You know how they say theres always someone on your mind before you fall asleep, whether you notice it or not ? Yeah, well forcing thoughts of you out of my mind last night, was one of the hardest things I had to do. I dont think I've ever felt so alone before. How do people cope with this kind of heartache ? This kind of heartbreak shouldn't even be legal. Its gotten to the point where that stupid beating thing in my chest is literally aching. I wish I could tell you all of this but that would be beyond inappropriate. Its back to constantly biting my tongue every time I talk to you.
x

They say you need to pray if you wanna go to heaven,

but they dont tell you what to say when youre life has gone to hell.

Random;

Talking to my retarded peanuthead online:
Me: hes alright la for a malaysian artist. malaysians usually suck at everything.
Shayne: yeah, I know. the only malaysian that has ever made it big is Oprah.
Me: *dies laughing*

Shayne: do you think Im fat ?
Me: that was random. why ?
Shayne: I want to look like Pamela Anderson by next week. think Im far off ?
(Shayne is obviously a boy by the way.)
x
convos Manda and I have on the phone when we've got nothing better to do:
"my grandma just came up to me and told me Ive got a nice figure. then she squeezed my waist and walked away. she was describing my figure like a martini glass, you know."
"you do realize a martini glass is like triangularish right ?"
"I know, but you get what I mean. Like urm, those coke bottle curves. You know theyre all kinda wide on top, small in the middle then wide again."
"you mean an hourglass figure ?"
"THATS IT ! AN HOURGLASS !"
*dies laughing*

*manda was telling me about this weird guy she was dating who wouldnt cut his one long fingernail until he had a girlfriend and he cut it recently when he was dating her*
"so youre like dating him ?"
"I dont know. He thinks Im his girlfriend. Am I his girlfriend ?"
"I dont think it counts if you dont really know about it."
"but he cut off his fingernail."
*I practically die laughing*
"whaaaaat ?"
"so now we're judging boys relationship status by the length of their nails ?"

*manda was telling me about her boy problems*
*I told her her about how torn up I was over this boy*
"I bought new shoes."
"ooo, what shoes ?"
"wedges." *describes every single detail about her shoes*
"niiiice... do you realize that we just went from talking about heartbreak to shoes ?"

Its 5.09am and I cant friggin sleep.

I guess thats what happens when I wake up at 12.00pm. But thats the earliest Ive woken up all week. Ive been sleeping at like 4.00am every night (or should I say morning ?) and waking up at 2pm the next day. This is nothing new for me, Ive been doing this my whole life but I really hate it cos it always messes up my sleep cycle once school starts again.

Aaaaanyway, I dont know why Im blogging (oh yeah, I cant sleep, thats why). I know I'll feel slightly relieved once I get this all out on my screen, I always do but I just dont know what to say. I feel like theres so much to say but Im at a loss for words. This is frustrating.

What a mistake to pretend its all okay, its not. Youre still a self-absorbed hypocritical fake slut.

On a different topic, cried a lot tonight. And then I cried some more. *sigh* Pathetic.

Its not like I never had a chance, I did but instead of taking it, I played stupid games and I suppose after a while you moved on. I dont blame you at all for that. I should have reached for that chance I had with you two years back. But I'm glad I didnt cos I know if I did, I wouldve never felt how I feel now. I wouldnt have felt what it was like to lose you. Honestly, I feel like Ive been losing you so many times in so many different ways. Except that you were never really mine to lose.

Im not asking you for anything. Love isnt a word I throw around. Its really intense to me and I just cant handle intensity. The thought of a relationship makes me feel sort of claustrophobic, like I have no way out.

Im afraid that my indecision and fear of commitment will lead to someone getting hurt which I cant bare. I think thats why a tiny part of me secretly wants things to stay complicated. I guess its easier if there are no strings attached when things get rough. Well, the strings holding the pieces of me together will probably be tangled up somewhere between us but people have been shredding those frayed strings to threads for a long time now, Im sure I can take one more person doing the same.

I want to run but only far enough to make you miss me. I want you to miss me. I need you to miss me. I dont know if Im in love with you. Im not sure if I know what love feels like. All I know is Ive fallen for you and Ive fallen hard. It doesnt really matter though, you dont even read this.

If tears could make girls pretty,
I must be the prettiest girl alive.

Happy Birthday,
Phoebe Simon !

(notice how Ray was trying to tip the party hat she made for you

out of A4 paper and duct tape off our head ? typical Ray.)
x

Happy sweet sixteen, Phoby.
You are the aweosmest lezban ever !
Youve made my move to Kuching much more bearable.
I mean who else would I bitch about Kuching and

our lesbian-infested-sad-excuse for a school with ?
Not that the lesbian part is a bad thing though. HAHAH.

I love you my spastikos-mitokos lezban.

Phoby, Ray, Sara and Pam came over yesterday to do our Physics project. We had to build a rocket. It didnt really work out. We were all goofing off most of the time.

Had lunch and we went online cos we were supposed to search for instructions on how to build the rocket. Instead, we watched skating videos. Their videos were pretty cool. Makes me wanna learn to skate too. Ive tried. I cant even freaking balance on a skateboard.

After a while, we finally got a round to the rocket thing. Well, Phoby did most of the research, Ray was goofing off. She was really hyper and went kinda apeshit cos she drank pepsi. Yeah, pepsi does that to her.

Random;
Ray has funny shaped earphones on her mp3.

Ray: "hey listen to this song."

Me: "ok."

Ray: "oh, theres a left and right. make sure you put it in the correct ear."

Me : "what happens if I dont ?"

Ray: "then you wont be able to hear."

Me: "why not ?"

Ray: "oh , just poke it in already !"
x

x

Ray was obsessed with that chair.
She yelled at anyone that sat in it.

She thinks its her throne.
x

baaaad picture of me.
x
This is when we finally got around to building the rocket. Well, sort of.
x

Ray and Sara ballroom dancing.

Or at least, trying to.
x

Phoby, Sara and Ray.

They were very amused by Pam's bicycle pump.

We all were.
x

x

She was trying to kill Phoby with the ruler.
Yeah, its the pepsi. No kidding.
x

Ray was playing with the thread.

It got tangled up in her hair and she couldnt get it out.

Ray: "Michelle, will you help me ?"

Me: "nope."

Ray: "Aww. Will anyone help me ? Phoby ? Sara ? Puchu ?"

(Puchu is Pam. yeah, we got weird nick names.)

x

I cello taped her mouth. It was the only way to shut her up.

Then, I drew a moustache on her. (:
x

Then I cello taped her wrists and ankles together.
x
We made a video of that. I'll post it up when I get it from Phoby.

Phoby made her mini rocket so we went to try blasting that off. Didnt go very far. Eventually, we gave up. We surprised Phoby with a cake. Ray and Sara kept her distracted and made sure she didnt go in the kitchen where Pam and I were lighting the candles. We kept screwing it up. The candles kept going out and wax was melting on the cake. Then, when I tried lighting it, the 'Happy Birthday' sign caught fire. Im not kidding. Every time I enter a kitchen, something either gets burnt or catches fire. I swear, the kitchen is a dangerous place for me.
x

x

That was a chocolate stick she pretended to smoke.

Choco joint. (:

x

We spread icing and cream on her face.
x

The 'Happy Birthday' sign that caught fire.
See, the 'Happy' is gone.

x

After stuffing our faces with cake, we went outside to the fish pond. Yeah, Ray was very amused by the bridge that goes over it. We found a net and tried to catch the fish. Its a lot harder than it looks. Ray was obsessed with catching the fish.

x
Me: "Ray, put the net down, Sara's taking a picture."
Ray: *ignores me and tries to catch fish*
Phoby: "Raaay !"
Ray: "oh, alright."

Phoby: "you can catch fish later"

Ray: *puts the net down, suddenly spots a fish* "OH FISH !"
xxxx *picks the net back up and tries to catch it*
All of us: "Raaayyy !"

x

x

x

See what I mean ?

x

x

x

We pretended to do a documentary like on the 'Travel & Living' channel. Ray was the local owner which we named Mr. Ma of the fish pond which we named 'Sungai Tasik Fishy' (yes, we know sungai and tasik are 2 different things). We made Ray put on a straw hat and yellow gumboots. Phoby and I were the hosts. Sara and Pam were the tourists from New York learning how to catch fish like the locals.
x
Ray was speaking in a 'coffee shop chinese' accent.
Pam, Sara: *points at pond* "look at the fishes ! look at the fishes !"
Ray: *pushes them away violently* "my pond ! my pond !"
Phoby: "I am Phoebe Simon, the host of this show and- oh hello, whats your name?"
Ray: *laughs* "wait, wait, wait ! *starts tapping the mic* "hello ?! is this thing on ?!
Phoby: "it is on, sir"
Ray: "where the cameraman ?"
Phoby: its here, sir. say hello."
Ray: "HELLO ?! HELLO?! I am Sungai Tasik Fishy!"

Phoby: "Im sorry, did you just say you are Sungai Tasik Fishy?"
Ray: "whatever okay"
*Pam starts running cos Sara started chasing her with the net*
Phoby: "m not good at this hosting stuff."

Ray: *flirty voice* "heelloww.."
Phoby: "Mr. Sungai Tasik Fishy, please dont fliiirt with me."
x

teaching the tourists;

Ray: "ok, girls, how do we catch fish ? with hand ah ? no ah ! you stupid ah ! with net la !"
Sara: "you didnt even give us a chance to answer."

Ray: "you shuddup la ! New York where got pond ?"
Sara: "we have lakes. beautiful lakes."
Ray: "you New York people stupid wan la."

Me: "Sir, this show will be aired world wide, please dont insult other nationalities."
Ray: "I AM NIGGAH !!"

x

Will post the videos soon.

LIARS.

x

Liar, liar, stop yourself from catching fire, fire.

Editt//

Random;

Online with Sasha, my kelapa tree.
Sasha says:
I think I have an infection
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
wht infection ?
Sasha says:
it's just that my left ear really hurts
Sasha says:
I think i might have breast cancer
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA !

Online with Yukesh.
cos my msn personal message is 'lying to michelle seems to be the new trend.'
901™ૐ says:
i broke my hand
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
how ?
901™ૐ says:
no i didnt.
901™ૐ says:
i lied
901™ૐ says:
how trendy am i

MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
thr was a baby snake in my hse last night
901™ૐ says:
aww
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
no, eww
901™ૐ says:
oh sry
901™ૐ says:
eww

MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
I killed it
901™ૐ says:
wtf. really? why?
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
it was freaking me out.
I hit it with my dads shoe.
the thing went all spasm attacky-ish on me.
it started wiggling like crazy.
901™ૐ says:
where is it now?
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
Idk, I left it thr and went to bed.
when I woke up, it was gone.
I think my maid mustve cleaned it.
901™ૐ says:
)=
MiCHELLE.sickheart says:
I dont like snakes
901™ૐ says:
I dont think they are particularly fond of you either.

Yes, Yucks is awesome.

My first monthly tests are finally over. Apart from addmaths ad modernmaths, it was okay. Im so acing my bio paper. Studying til 2am the night before totally paid off.

On wednesday, just as our Chemistry paper was starting, Hani started screaming cos there was this disgusting striped lizard in front of her. Since its an all girls school, theyre all so used to being such girlygirls and everyone on our side of the class started screaming. Being a girl, I understand their fear of lizards, I despise those disgusting rubbery tail shedding creatures with every bone in my body but I was still in stitches at the sight of my screaming classmates.

The lizard was on the wall right next to Azra's table and she was freaked out by it, since there wasn't any extra place in the class, she actually carried her desk out and sat for her chemistry paper outside the class. Christina, who was sitting next to me, pushed her table all the way next to mine. HAHAH.

Christina and I were sitting right in front of the wall the lizard was on and even though it was up near the ceiling, we kept glancing at it every 3 minutes. I swear, half the test consisted of Christina and I checking where the lizard had crawled and praying it wouldn't get any closer. Every time it did, Christina would actually squeeze her eyes shut tight, clasp her hands together and pray. HAHAH. Almost died laughing.

The disgusting striped thing disappeared eventually which made us look all around the class making sure it wasn't on the floor or wouldnt pop up in front of our faces. I dont like being such a girlygirl whos scared of everything, but when it comes to those creepy crawling beady eyed creatures, I cant help it okay. Still found the whole thing fucking hilarious though.

Ray and I tried to do our midwestern cowboy standout after school. Ray was Willy Wyler and I was Johnny. Sandra was the sheriff and Phoby was Elaine, the waitress working at the saloon who is always seen shutting the windows in these scenes in the movies. We used our fingers as guns. Dont ask.

*speaking in heavy midwestern drawls*
"well, well, well, if it isnt Willy Wyler back in my town. "
"Johnny boy, still havent changed I see."
"if youre back for Elaine you might as well go home now, Willy. She's mine. And the sheriff is on my side."
"you know there aint no getting rid of me that easy, Johnny."
"ooohh, but there is Willy." *I pretend to pull out guns from both sides of my waist.*
*Ray pulls her guns out the same way*
"hey Ray, I gotta go home and study for bio tmrw, can we just start shooting?"
"okay, you shoot me."
"no, you shoot me."
"noooo, you shoot me"
"no, Ray, you shoot me."
"oh just shoot me already" * Ray comes charging after me* "gimme your fingers ! shoot me ! shoot me !"

Phoby baked me another cupcake.
If youre an avid reader of my blog, you'll know why she wrote 'niga rose'.

Had school on Saturday to replace the extra days we took off for CNY hols. I never go to school on saturdays. I think its wrong and it goes against everything I believe in. HAHAH. I was gonna go this week though cos our first monthly test started on saturday but ended up not going cos I had to see the doctor. So I missed my BM and history paper.

All catholic girls were allowed to miss assembly to go for Ash Wednesday mass since the church is like 3 feet away from our school. Saw Ann Si and Wen Jing sitting in church. Was wondering what the hell they were doing in church cos theyre not even christians, theyre buddhists. Almost died laughing once I realized why they were there. I mean, who skips assembly to go to church ? HAHAH.

We were given these little paper boxes we were supposed to put together ourselves to ask for donations for welfare services. I tried stapling some parts together then Phoby grabs it from me and fixes it into a box for me. Turns out all you had to do was fold the pieces into place. I know, bimbo moment.

While I was asking for donations;
Lya & Fida: *drops money into my box*
Me: "thank you. when you die you will go to heaven."
Liya: "yay. I go to heaven now."
Me: "no! dont die yet !"
Fida: *drops more money into my box*
Me: "thank you again. when you die you will go to heaven."
Fida: "yay. I go to heaven twice."

Random;

Me: *sings* "thank you San Francisco ! Youve all been a great crowd !"
Phoby: "boo ! youre not in Francisco !"
Me: "Francisco ?"
Phoby: "I mean San Francisco."
Ray: "fran sankisco. fran sansasko. fran sanfrancis ! chisko. kisko. san-fran-sicko."
Phoby: "man, she really cant pronounce it right, huh ?"

Me: "if I become a really rich doctor, I would-"
Ray: "open a car wash !"
Me: "noooo, I was gonna say donate lots of money to charity. especially for little kids."
Ray: "if I was rich, I'd open a chain of car washes."
Me: "why ? Ray, you wanna be a doctor right ? most doctors would wanna open a chain of clinics."
Ray: "that too ! but still, I want a chain of car washes."
Me: "why ?!"
Ray: "business ! and we can play that 'working at the carwash' song aaaaalll day."